My Quest for Clarity: One Mocktail at a Time
If you’re out there holding down a job, trying to raise children, be a good partner, invest in friendships, make time for self-care… and can still make space for drinking, amen to that. As for me, I decided to experiment with life without it. That was almost a year ago.
I did not stop because my life spiraled out of control. In fact, if you ask those close to me, drinking was not having any visible negative impact on my life. On the surface, it was even the thing that seemingly made life better and more enjoyable: drinks to connect with a client, a cocktail to ease the stress after a long day, a celebratory bottle of bubbly with friends for special moments. Which I’d argue might have made it even harder for me to take a break. There were many times I’d ask myself or field questions from others like “Why are you doing this? It’s not like you have a ‘problem’.”
Ultimately, I chose to take a break because it became more important to me to find out whether my relationship with alcohol was helping or hurting my ability to be the best version of myself than to stay comfortable with my “moderate” approach to drinking. And there was only one way to find out.
Truth be told, I was deathly afraid that taking a break would cause me to lose business, get cut from invite lists and even lose friends. There is no sugar-coating the fact that it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. On Day 5, I remember thinking “If it is this difficult to stick with it, I had better keep going.” Even now, almost a year in, there are still times that are really hard. The culture around “moms deserve to drink as a way to survive” culture has become so ever-present that there were daily reminders – often painful ones – that I was exploring a path much less-traveled.
To mark nearly one year of sobriety (a term I don’t love for its finality/labeling), I am sharing an unvarnished account of my experience with the important caveat that this is such a personal journey and will be different for every single person. Spoiler alert: I feel good. Really, really good. Here are 10 takeaways/thoughts I’d like to share about my experience in case they can help one person:
1. Heightened stress and anxiety for the first few months
On month 4, I vividly remember being kind of bummed that I hadn’t reached nirvana yet. Like, where’s the clairvoyant life I was promised if I quit? I reached out to Annie Robert (@ThisMamaStillGotIt) — a wonderfully hilarious, recently sober and inspiring mama on TikTok — and asked how long before she felt better. It was so comforting to hear her shift into feeling good did not happen overnight. So not feeling immediate positive results should not be a deterrent for anyone considering going AF. Alcohol is tricky like that. It makes you believe that it is the pick-me-up that you need. Plus, two decades (in my case) of repeated alcohol use will require some time to unwind.
2. Life will change
Whatever your path, I can guarantee you that life will change. And, as I already mentioned, not always in the “I can see clearly” way right away. In fact, I almost stopped my experiment so many times thinking “this is having the opposite effect”. Honestly, I was not prepared for just how much not drinking would impact my day-to-day. Trips, dinners out, celebrations all had revolved so much around the powerful, almighty beverage. Initially when I went without, the best way to describe the feeling is naked in the wind. But I have so many cherished memories of telling my best friends I was going to do an experiment so we’ll have to find a replacement for our happy hours/poolside bubbly/wine tastings (insert other fun way I connected over alcohol) and being scared of their response. To a person, I have been blown away by how sweet everyone I have shared this with has been.
3. Lucid dreams of the past, including hurts and trauma
This one may have been the most unexpected result of not drinking. In the first two months of “detox”, I was overwhelmed with emotions that I had repressed for years. More than a decade old hurts came flooding back in very lucid dreams. I remember asking my therapist if she thinks they are coming because I am no longer numbing pain I had tried to stuff so far down. I already knew the answer. I’m eager to hear if others have experienced this but these “uncoverings” were part of what have kept me on the path since I don’t want to miss an opportunity to experience my true feelings: both painful and pleasant.
4. The discomfort is intense
My people pleasing tendencies were on full display during this time period. “I feel terrible that someone will have to drink alone! What will they think? I’m definitely not going to be invited out anymore.” These were all refrains that played in my mind. The temptation to give in to make others feel more comfortable was strong. But after the first few times of not giving in, it got much, much easier. Now the words come much more freely (“I’m experimenting with life sans alcohol; I’ll keep you posted!”) and the discomfort has waned so much. In fact, a few sober curious folks have expressed interest in my journey which has resulted in some wonderful openings/conversations.
5. What will I do with all this extra time?
In the “quit lit” (books about quitting alcohol) I read, I did learn that one byproduct of giving up alcohol is more time on your hands. Score! For a working mom of two young kids this is gold. Or is it? I realized that so much of my “down” time had been consumed by winding down with wine that I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how to replace this new found time. A few things that I found very calming and helped keep my mind occupied when my usual ritual of having a glass of wine was not an option included:
o Baths (the after work/before kids’ bedtime window was often the hardest time for me so my hubby was really great about encouraging me to get upstairs and use the time and space to try and get that relaxation naturally. genius! and I probably couldn’t have made it without this encouragement/support.)
o Naps (yes; I know! heavenly.)
o Mindfulness activities, ie. adult legos for mindfulness (it is so nice that the world is catching up with the fact that adults like play too!. The lego mindfulness line launched during this time and I am so grateful for it. It was calming, took time to put together… and was something fun to do with the kids).
6. Stopping is not for everyone
My experience is uniquely my own and very personal. I have a history of alcoholism in my family. I also have depressive tendencies which I now know alcohol is like lighter fluid on. So this exercise has proven very difficult but also revelatory for me. This will not be the case for everyone. Part of my success has
7. One day at a time
As cliché as this is, I gained solace from this thought on many occasions. Many ask and I think others wonder: “why not stop temporarily?”. I was so enthralled by the insights and the clarity that I didn’t want to interrupt the flow. So is it forever? I have no idea. But what I do know is that I’m loving the journey (most days!). And on nights when we entertain or I’m headed to a friend’s house and I miss that familiar friend clink of the ice cubes and ritual of unwinding, I pour myself one of the awesome mocktail options I’ve come up with during this time period. (a moscow mule with Seedlip Vodka + Ginger Beer hits the spot!) and focus on the fact that I’ll wake up happier and more rested.
8. Relationships will change
Friendships will be tested. Being prepared to shift how and with whom you spend your time if alcohol is no longer a focal point, is important. I value relationships immensely and this fear may have been the sole largest factor in my hesitancy to change my ways.
My relationship with my husband changed. He was fully supportive and even nudged me to consider abstaining for a while to see how I felt. He has been so awesome throughout. He loves good wine, late nights and a party so it’s been an adjustment for him too. He has said it is an adjustment he is happy to make because it aligns much more with his own health and wellness goals. I will admit that our date nights when I first stopped drinking went from 2-3 hour dinners to about 1 hour when we removed the alcohol! So we had to reimagine date nights (so we could still have fun and stay out longer than one hour!). This led to some fun creative outings like a trip to the driving range, a climbing wall, the boathouse and other more active nights together vs. multi-course dinners with wine pairings.
9. Physical Boost
I’ve never been much of a hard core workout person but laying off booze for an extended period has definitely renewed my interest in moving my body. I took dance back up, a passion which I had forgotten even existed and that has brought new light into my soul. It occurred to me that in college I taught aerobics classes… where did that bright, energetic, spirited girl go? I am on a quest to bring her back. I have continued my once weekly workouts but I can definitely tell a difference in my will to workout vs. before it was somewhat of a slog, esp. when I was recovering from a big night! I will say that I noticed how much I relied on alcohol for a boost/way to get out and do things at the end of a long day. So one hack I found in the early months when I was missing this much-needed jolt, was to replace it with a mixed drink of an energy drink like Celsius or Red Bull and soda.
10. Connectedness with Self & Others
The irony of removing alcohol is that the substance I thought I needed to connect actually, in hindsight, made it more difficult to have deep, meaningful, lasting and — perhaps most importantly — memorable conversations. Whether with my friends, clients, coworkers, kids or spouse, it is such a nice feeling to know nothing we discuss will be fuzzy. Those people and our conversations are too precious for me to not be fully present to take in. This clarity and connectedness is worth giving up the “mommy juice”.
Thank you to so many brave women who paved the way for this exploration. Without these voices, I imagine I would not have had the courage to try this new lifestyle. To name a few: @melissawoodhealth, @quitlikeawoman, @knottyteetolar, @thismamastillgotit, @hollywhitaker, @bexweller, @virginiakerr, @highlightreels, @anniegrace, @katiespizza, @chrissyteigen. I am so happy that the narrative around sobriety is changing for the better. The vocabulary we have used for so long to describe people who stop drinking is laden with negativity, judgement and an implication that they are somehow “weak” and couldn’t handle it. Alcoholic, falling off the wagon, quit.. there are so many words that would suggest the person who abstains is the weak one. This is misleading at best and, at worst, is harmful to some individuals’ ability to lead their best lives. Another emerging point of debate/discussion is whether AF is synonymous with sobriety. Are you still sober if you enjoy CBD, MDMA, prescription medication or other mind altering substances? I tried CBD seltzers during this time and my experience was mixed. This is a topic I’m very interested in and think it speaks so much to the earlier point of how each person’s journey is highly personal. Oh, and maybe I’ll touch on how often when we stop one dopamine-producing substance, we tend to replace it with another. No cigarettes for me, but I can see that the mental boost I get from an hour on Tik Tok is, in its own way, a different form of addiction, albeit a more innocent one. Or is it?
Now excuse me while I go throw up for making myself vulnerable. I decided it is well worth the “vulnerability hangover” if there is one person who might read it and feel less alone. The holidays are a time of celebration, stress, joy and all the feelings in between. If I don’t share now, then when? So if you’re thinking not drinking would be the thief of joy, I urge you to consider whether it could be standing in the way.
Resources
NA cocktail brands I love:
WellBeing Brewing (#DiscoverersandRecoverers)
These can be found at amazing retailers like Boisson (a gorgeous, first-of-its-kind boutique in NYC), Randalls, Amazon and directly from the supplier.
Books
Reading “Quit Lit” was an amazing way to find my own “why”. Quotes from Holly Whitaker (author of “Quit Like a Woman”) that really stuck with me:
“The goal here is to create a situation you no longer have to escape, or a life you don't have to numb. The achievement of sobriety is not the point; it's a by-product of the work. The work is the point. Addiction is the hook that gets you in the door, and quitting is the catalyst to heal deeper wounds.”
”The rituals and the meditations and the pauses became a drug in and of themselves, as did lavender essential oil and certain three-minute Kundalini meditations.”
Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence
I compiled a list of more books I found helpful here.